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7 Reasons I Hate Running

I often get asked how I maintain my somewhat overweight figure, and besides genetics, it boils down to my refusal to run. Can you relate to any of the 7 reasons I hate to run?

I often get asked how I maintain my somewhat overweight figure, and besides genetics, it boils down to my refusal to run.  I know many of you can relate.  I can look in a mirror at my ever-expanding gut, think to myself that I need to “start running again” then sickeningly feel that deep and intense hatred I have for the self-torturing act called running.

Today I share 7 reasons why I hate running.

  1. It is unnatural for me.  Some people look as if they were born to run.  I look as if I were born to lie down.  Running goes against all that is natural for me, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
  2. I look like an idiot when I run.  Some people look like gazelles or cheetahs when they run.  I look like a ferret running on its hind legs.
  3. Jesus didn’t run.  Since I am trying to follow the way of Jesus, I have to assume that I shouldn't run either.  Here’s my logic:
    1. The Bible records the important things that Jesus said and did.
    2. The Bible doesn’t record that Jesus ever ran.
    3. Since it is not in the Bible, running was not an important thing for Jesus.  Therefore, since I am trying to follow the ways of Jesus, not running is actually an act of devotion.
  4. I’m slow.  I can’t even cross the street before the light changes back.  I was actually beaten by an ant once.  I mean it was a really fast ant, but still…
  5. Time commitment.  Because of my advanced age (41), it actually takes me longer to prepare to run than the actual run.  After I run 2 miles in an hour and a half, I have to wait an hour to cool down so that I can take a shower.
  6. Body pains.  I can handle the shin splints, back pains, blisters, and cramps, but I can’t get past the chafing.  (If you’re not sure what “chafing” is, please don’t search google images.)
  7. Internal tension.  At about .4 miles, I have an internal argument about why in the world this is good for me.  It goes something like this:

Body – This is stupid, what are you doing to me? 

Brain – This is good for you.  It will help give you stamina.

Body – I don’t need stamina, I need a coke.

Brain – But you don’t want to be fat do you?

Body – I’m fine with that.

Brain – But you need to be healthy for your family.

Body – No I don’t.  I have a good life insurance policy.

Brain – Just a bit further.  Hang in there.

Body – But I just need a little break, then I can run faster in a few minutes.

Brain – Don’t stop.  It will be hard to get started again.

Body – Hey, why don’t you just think about what you can write for your blog post while I take a little break.

Brain – I do want to write something about fantasy football, and… Hey, wait a second!  Nice try, body.

Are you a runner?  Can we still be friends even if I think you are insane?

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Greg Williams October 26, 2011 at 01:58 PM
I'm a runner! Let's go over your 7 reasons. 1) Clearly you have evolved to a higher form of human. We spent a few million years perfecting the human feet and legs to be the best distance runners on the planet. There are people that can run across Death Valley, about 120 miles, in less than 24 hours. Strangely most of the people that run across it at all are older, too. 40s-60s or even older. I think they can probably only grunt during and after, so they must be less evolved. You've evolved past all of that. I'm impressed. 2) Do you look good lying down? 3) Jesus didn't talk about any kind of exercising. However, he did heal a people that were lame so they could walk. So walking must be at least ok in the Bible. Pushups are the work of Satan, though. I'm doomed to hell because I do those, too. 4) You should try walking across the street instead of running. You might beat the ant then. 5) I hear you, and I'm older at 44. It takes me 2 hours to run 13 miles. I have to nap an entire afternoon to recover from that. 6) Two words: Bloody nipples. 7) I had to drown out my inner voice with music to stop the arguing while I run.
Robert J. Nebel October 26, 2011 at 02:42 PM
I'm Greg's age and yes, I'm at the same pace. Biggest advice: just walk before you run. I'm sure you look great...I really think Jesus was a runner -- he returned to Earth as Bruce Jenner (I really thought as a kid and that Mr. Howell from "Gilligan's Island" was God, long before Hollywood told us it was George Burns). "Chafing?" try adhesive bandages over the affected parts. Yes, I agree with Greg: I like the music in the ears, but don't have it up too loud because you won't hear the Toyota Prius that's ready to flatten you.
Everett Bracken October 26, 2011 at 07:23 PM
Greg, how could I forget about bloody nipples? Excruciating! Robert, have you seen Bruce Jenner lately? Excellent advice about the music. I actually prefer to listen to books or stand up comedy while running.
Ben Cathey October 27, 2011 at 07:49 PM
So you look good lying down? Now that's funny!
Msgoff October 29, 2011 at 03:56 AM
I have, he was in the movie "Mask." Oh no, thought it was Bruce! ;-) I heard on the radio that he is 62 today, as they joked about his botox face. I cannot imagine that he would not have looked better without the botox. I hope I stated that correctly. I don't like exercise because it begins with "ex".

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