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Murphy On Death, Taxes And Kudzu

Nothing is certain, but death, taxes and kudzu and anything that can go wrong will involve all three.

Who exactly was Murphy? Was he the first to utter the now infamous words, nothing is certain but death and taxes? If he is as smart as he is credited to be, why did he not include kudzu in his law? He ain’t from around here boy, I tell ya. I know, I know, that sentence stinks, and it will throw many of you into a hissy fit. If you don’t know what a hissy fit is, then you ain’t from around here either. My grandma knew what a hissy fit was, and that’s good enough for me.

Murphy’s Law was first coined by Capt. Edward Murphy Jr., in the forties. He was an aeronautical engineer for the Air Force. After a failed test on a rocket sled, he attempted to lay the blame on a co-worker, by stating, “If that guy has any way of making a mistake, he will.” The other members of his team began using the statement to mock him, but slightly changed it to, “If it can happen, it will happen.” It eventually gained widespread use as, “If anything can go wrong, it will.” Murphy himself dismissed the law as, “ridiculous, trivial and erroneous.”

The saying, “nothing is certain, but death and taxes,” was first used in 1789 by Benjamin Franklin, in a letter, referring to our constitution and written to a French friend. He was eighty-three at the time.

Death (deth) noun

  1. The act of dying, the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism.
  2. An ugly old dude wearing a black robe to hide the ugly old dude inside. He carries a sickle and moonlights as a landscaper. He is known to frequent Bubba’s bar and is often seen the in the company of his most trusted friends, taxes and kudzu. All three are members of the band, Three Gay Caballero’s.

If a thing can be killed, well, death will certainly figure out a way to kill it and indeed there is nowhere to hide. He’s coming for all of us at some point. How is it that ships, cars and other things of beauty are considered feminine, but death has to be masculine? I guess this isn’t always true, look at hurricanes which were long named after women. Of course in an effort to be politically correct they eventually began being named after both sexes. Why was there a debate about such a thing, and how much money did it cost the tax payers, to first make the decision, and secondly to implement it? Good goog a mooga. I bet you didn’t like that one either; I liked it just the same.

Taxes (takses) noun

  1. A burdensome charge, obligation, duty, or demand.
  2. An involuntary fee levied on corporations or individuals that is enforced by a level of government in order to finance government activity.
  3. An uglier old dude dressed in red, white and blue, which has a gambling problem, and a tendency to have bar room brawls on a global scale.

Taxes seem to have an insidious way of getting wrapped up in other people’s business. I guess he can’t help himself. He is intrusive, invasive and as constant as time, who was incidentally one of the original members of, Three Gay Caballero’s, but was booted out for being late to every practice and performance. Why not name taxes after a woman, Taxabella?

Taxes are responsible for writing the acclaimed hit, sewer taxes, which essentially allows all of us to pay taxes for the privilege of, disposing of, the expensive food we only rent. How can we forget the hit, death tax, co-written by Death and Taxes, their biggest hit to date? I guess I have no need to fear death as I can’t afford to pay the taxes on it. I always knew writing would serve some purpose.

Taxes pretty much gets involved in all things, involving a verb or noun. The more fun, because everyone knows how fun taxes are, the more taxes get involved. The country awaits their newest release, sex tax. The composition is proceeding rather awkwardly, but is said to be nearing completion. Having sex with or without one’s spouse is simply too much fun to be ignored by taxes, forever.

Kudzu (kood zoo) noun

An eastern Asian vine (Pueraria lobata) having compound leaves and clusters of reddish-purple flowers. It is grown for fodder, forage, and root starch and is a widespread pain in the keester and weed in the southeast United States.

Kudzu is the newest member of the band, Three Gay Caballero’s, and was brought in to replace time as kudzu is much more dependable and shows up everywhere, on time, invited or not.

Nothing is certain, but death, taxes and kudzu and anything that can go wrong will involve all three.

Kennesaw Taylor

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

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