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Health & Fitness

The Do Nots Of Doing It

The government has been having sex with me for years, and I ain't ever enjoyed it.

That title will make a bunch of people mad. Always remember, that in America, nothing is wrong unless you get caught doing it. That cigarette you’re smoking is made better if your parents don’t know you smoke and later if your wife, the preacher or any member of your church, don’t catch you smoking it. Moonshine lasted far longer than it should have, simply because a bunch of old women decided that no one could drink it. The drug war continues to be waged against the American public because Americans continue to do drugs, well, and continue to, simultaneously finance a war against themselves. Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession for a reason.

Most importantly, considering the season, if there is a way to keep from paying taxes Americans will find it. Does anyone else remember that escaping taxes is what started the American dream or that taxes were what the American Revolution was all about? The only persons, who do not cheat on their taxes, are those who file simple tax returns. It’s not that they don’t want to cheat; they just don’t know how. Besides, they want their money as soon as possible. If they try to do any fancy foot work, it might delay their check. Haven’t they been waiting for that check since sobering up after receiving last year’s check? You know, since spending that hazy week, alternately in a beer bottle or Wallmart until it ran out. Many people simply believe a tax return is the government returning their taxes and for some that is exactly what it is.

Don’t it kill you that these people think tax returns are some sort of savings plan and treat them as such? Don’t it kill you that even though, if you don’t pay anything in, you don’t get anything back, somehow other people do? Not me buddy.  How is it that people get back more than they pay in? Please, why can’t we go to a flat tax system?

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As a writer, I get paid on a 1099 and barely survive the year, now I’ll be gaining a car payment, but will be receiving no car, just a hefty payment to the government. Shouldn’t there be some sort of tax break for those who have major illnesses and get wiped out by them? I had a stroke last year. Now I owe every doctor and lab in three states. Turns out that if a doctor can prove he walked through the room you were in or walked somewhere near your x ray, you owe him money. So, your credit goes to crap, your savings account dies of starvation, and now you get to pay taxes on all the money you did not make and do not have. An ambulance ride costs almost as much as a space shuttle flight. I know gas is expensive, but good lord. I broke my leg once and drove a stick shift truck ten miles to the emergency room.

Why is it that those with kids get back much more than those without them? The more kids the better. I have been having sex for years, and no one has paid me to do it. Was that about taxes or the aforementioned world’s oldest profession? Government sanctioned sex, gotta love that, unless you ain’t on the enjoyable end of it. Wait, the government has been having sex with me for years, and I ain’t ever enjoyed it.

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Tax professional: the person you lie so they can then lie to the I.R.S.. You pay these people to decide how much you owe the government, this just keeps getting better. Of course without such a person you would owe a lot more. You pay tax people an insane amount of money to dodge and duck the system, but unlike doctors and lawyers, there is no code that makes it so you can tell them the truth without being prosecuted. Instead, you must weave an incredibly tale to hide your stuff from them as they try to hide the parts you do tell them from the I.R.S.. You’ve heard of compound interest, this is called compound lying.

So, here’s what it comes down to. I made about thirty percent less money than I needed to survive the year, and now I owe the government thirty percent of that. I pay what amounts to a car payment to doctors and pharmaceutical companies and am soon going to start another car payment to the I.R.S.. Of course, I could try to get insurance so I could pay a third car payment to an insurance company so they can decline everything I submit because all of it is a pre-existing condition. Worst part, I can’t afford a car.

I guess I should have started this column with the biggest lie of all, I got a friend who. Oh well.

Kennesaw Taylor

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